Thursday, 16 April 2009

Fact 11

Attending dinner parties causes arserot. This is a non fatal condition resulting from wounds caused by your soul trying to claw its way out of your body and away from the mind numbing toss you're spouting in the most direct way possible becoming infected.

The prevalant cure for this condition is a good slap combined with a TCP enema.

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Fact 10

Chips wrapped in pages torn from The Daily Mail will inexplicably taste like shit. Honest to god shit.

Fact 9

Regulars of Wetherspoons pubs have seventeen different words for "fight" and behave according to a vague moral system whereby all acts are categorised as either "out of order" or not. There is no rigid boundary or criteria governing this system, and what might be perfectly acceptable one moment may be deemed the most provocative example of out of orderliness a mere four pints of watered down Stella Artois later, and vice versa. Disputes due to one partly exceding the other's current bounds of order are commonly settled in a rough and tumble test of conviction known as "The Glassening".

They have even less a grasp of hopscotch than dogs do.

Fact 8

All art is inherently fascist.

Fact 7

Domesticated dogs have no understanding of hopscotch, no matter how patiently you explain it to them.

Fact 6

An average sized adult human can live for one whole day having had all of its blood replaced by egg yolks, and sometimes longer if free range eggs are used.

Conversely, replacing all of a person's egg yolks with blood does not significantly alter their lifespan, unless the blood has some really horrible disease swimming around in it, and they eat it even though it's clearly blood. Freaks.

Sunday, 22 June 2008

Fact 5

The human soul tastes like Vimto, the poor man's Um Bongo